Shadows for Breakfast

Some solutions for lack of humor in election year

by Wes Biggs

It's an election year, and once again no one with anything more interesting than a designer toupee is in the running. In fact, this year's choices are even more dismal than `92, when at least one candidate heard giant sucking sounds simply because his ears were so big they had developed their own weather systems (this is true: if a butterfly in Ross Perot's right ear flaps its wings today, a Whitewater investigator will find new evidence against Hillary Clinton sometime next week and preferably before Super Tuesday. Chaos theory tell us this).
So admittedly the humor prospects are bleak, and editorial cartoonists, faced with the prospect of trying to make Pat Buchanan look silly, are dying off in droves -- even Mike Luckovich, who was dead to start with. What's the good of a president you can't laugh at? All of the sudden politics in this country have become so gosh darn serious. A mere eight years ago an actor most known for his proximity to simians was in the oval office. Now that's comedy.
We need a country in a brightly colored VW bus, and that's one thing you won't find on any of the minds of America's so-called leaders.
So in the true humanitarian spirit, I'd like to suggest some revisions to the election codes, so that we can elect someone who is as much of an idiot for running as we are for voting for him.
1. First, we should replace presidential debates with snap contests. After all, that's what it all comes down to, anyway, so why not stick to form. No more boring rhetoric: candidates are awarded for quick comebacks. Before: "The GNP for the last four years has been steadily declining, and we need to bolster job security." After: "Your campaign contributors are so fat, they spend $10,000 at a $1,000-a-plate dinner."
2. Next, disallow any television campaign advertising which has anything other than a kumquat as a visual. For radio, make candidates replace all nouns with "kumquat". Add laugh tracks to both.
3. For personal involvement, carry large posters that say "Yes" in bold letters. Have your friends carry ones that say "No". Barricade government offices and have yelling contests. If anyone with a "Maybe" sign shows up, point and laugh and call them a moderate. If anyone asks what you're protesting, ask them to phrase it in the form of a yes or no question. When candidates show up, demand an apology for all of their "no" votes in Congress.
4. Set up campaign speeches for deaf audiences only. Allow VP hopefuls to enact charades for their corresponding candidate's speech. Disallow any "sounds like" ear-cupping. At the end of each speech, ask the crowd to write an interpretive essay on the platform presented. Publish it on the front page of major daily newspapers.
These may seem like drastic measures to take, but in light of the lack of levity in the political clime at present, they may be necessary. Believe me, humor is the most serious issue in this election, and it's certainly no laughing matter to be taken lightly.
Just don't let Perot get wind of it. It may disturb the butterflies.